bloodbeak - nightclan

[acez]

Name: Bloodbeak

Age: 21 moons

Gender: Tom

Rank: Warrior

Clan: Nightclan

Personality: Bloodbeak is known as the background guy. The cat you don't recognize until he's breathing down your neck, which you smile sheepishly, turn to your friends and walk away, as the thought of this person disappears entirely. He moves with a silent grace, despite his size and build. In fact, most cats believe this cat is mute, because Bloodbeak would rather be seen not heard, and not many cats have heard a word from his lips. He is known to speak through nods and shaking of the head, or merely silence, that is often described as awkward.

Bloodbeak would like to be a social with many friends, and wishes to be surrounded by friends and family, but that sadly isn't so. Bloodbeak is shy and tries to avoid other cats, and merely watches conversations with people, envisioning himself in that group, but many people ignore him. He's a comrade, someone you know, but hardly someone you give a second thought to, especially since the 'incident'. In fact, by the description I've given you, you believe he is a gentle giant sort. although, you would be wrong.

Bloodbeak can be quite ferocious and although his patience is hardly ever worn down, he is known to strike out any cat who is rude to any person Bloodbeak reveres. His words, which are rare from Bloodbeak are filled with wisdom or intelligence. His time, when alone, is spent wondering about things, from StarClan to what he would name his kits. Bloodbeak thinks of everything, and always thinks before he speaks, giving him slow, halting pauses, which make most people assume he is extremely slow-witted, where really, he has some brain behind all that brawn.

Physical Description: Bloodbeak is known to be huge, towering over most cats. Not only is he tall, but muscular as well, his shoulders well-defined with only slight ripples in his fur from scars. More of a fighter's build, Bloodbeak does his best by grappling with rocks, swimming, or climbing.

His coat is rather plain if you look at it, as Bloodbeak possesses a white coat with large black patches.. or maybe he has a black coat with white patches. In truth, Bloodbeak has no idea, and no one can really guess. He has even amounts of both white and black on his coat, large random splotches of each color. The only thing that sticks out in color is the large spot of red on his muzzle, meaning that his nose and frontal muzzle is stained with red, a dark murky red, with some brown layered underneath.

He would be quite the handsome cat, if it weren't for the 'incident'. The 'incident' has left Bloodbeak with a terrible problem. His right side of his body is completely unblemished, right to his large bat-like ears, to his green eyes, to the tip of his tail. Yet, the left side of his face is horribly disfigured. A tight scar causes the skin of his muzzle to lift into a scarred smile, forcing his mouth to constantly grin. The skin around his eye is stretched as well, scars uplifting his eyebrows and the skin around his eye, giving the left side of his face a wild, crazy look. Because Bloodbeak is constantly frowning in thought, it gives him a 'two-face'. This is yet another reason he avoids the company of cats and kits, and regrets the day he gets an apprentice.

He has many troubles with his injuries, including jaw problems, eye problems and mostly, social problems.

History: Bloodbeak was born Bloodkit, named for the red patch on his muzzle. The oldest of three, Bloodkit was named the most mature and thoughtful of the three, and respected and hailed the rules that the leader brought down on them. When his youngest brother, Lionkit snuck out with a few other kits, Bloodkit appointed himself the guardian of Lilykit, especially when he watched the three kits be buried in the earth.

Even when they were apprentices, Bloodpaw, as he was known for, protected his sister, sometimes embarrassingly, and sometimes from afar. Because of his connection with Lilypaw, Bloodpaw was more or less well-liked by the other apprentices, and had quite a few he could call friends. When he, his sister and another by the name of Frosttail, sat vigil, Bloodbeak had lead a pretty great life. Yes, 'had' as in past tense, because from his vigil, everything went downhill.

Nightclan had some problem with rogues hunting on their land, and Lilyleaf and her group of friends snuck out, in hopes to stop the rogues. Bloodbeak caught wind of this, and alerted the leader and elder warriors, causing a bitter hate spiral to happen. Bloodbeak tried to protest, but it was in vain. The damage had been done, and his group of friends had diminished quite a bit. And then the 'incident'.

The rogues struck back, and struck hard. During a border patrol, the cats were attacked. The apprentice of a cat fled to camp for help, which left Bloodbeak, Frosttail and another were left to fight it off. It was here that Bloodbeak got his two-face. Frosttail had been struck, and immediately, Bloodbeak stepped in, leaving his last opponent to focus on the cat that had bit Frosttail's throat. Because of this, Frosttail's opponent scarred his eye, blinding him. While he closed his eyes in pain, he struck again, pulling at Bloodbeaks mouth and twisting it. With a blind claw, he struck and hit, swiping the intruders throat. Staggering, Bloodbeaks last memory was Lilyleaf huddling over Frosttail in mourning, as he slowly choked on his own blood before he blacked out.

When he awoke, he was sore and stiff, and had hard time eating and blinking. For the first few days, his family visited him, and then Lilyleaf left. And then his father. His mother, until no-one saw him except the medicine cat. When he finally emerged, he was shocked to hear the screams of three kits who immediately ran inside to be hushed by their mother, who gave a both sympathetic and harsh look. In tears, Bloodbeak fled to the nearest river, where he was overcome with his looks, and gave one last cry of anguish, before completely delving within himself, and he has yet to utter a single word. His family ignores him now, and speaks very little to him and what friends he had, disappeared. He avoids the kits now completely, horrified that he might scare them like he once did. In fact, he spends most of his time in the medicine cat's den or the elders den.

Other notes:

[Brackentail]

Okay, I like the character. There are just some typos and one small thing I want to point out to you before I can accept him.

First thing was this:
"Not only is he tall, but muscular as well, his shoulders and chest well defined with sleek fur, with only slight ripples in his fur from scars."
It's almost a run-on sentence. It kind of describes the same thing, but at the same time they're different things to describe because they're not talking about the same feature of the thing being described. Like, his shoulders would have muscle and help determine his height, but his chest being well defined has nothing to do with those ideas and it says "his shoulders and chest well defined," so it trails off onto different things instead of staying entirely on topic. If that makes sense to you. Let me know if that was confusing xD;

Second was this, just a typo:
"He would be quite the handsome cat, if it weren't the 'incident'."

Next, this section here:
"The skin around his stretched as well, scars uplifting his eyebrows in scars, giving the left side of his face a wild, crazy look. Because Bloodbeak is constantly frowning in thought, it gives him a 'two-face', which is another reason he avoids the company of cats and kits, and regrets the day he gets an apprentice. "
Just another bit of a run-on sentence. It's not necessarily incorrectly written, but it just sounds rushed. It would sound more calm and less "must describe with as many words as possible" if it were written something along the lines of "The skin around [wherever this "stretched" part is; you'll need to fix that too] is stretched as well, [uplifting his eyebrows in scars,?] giving the left side of his face a wild, crazy look. Because Bloodbeak is constantly frowning in thought, it gives him a 'two-face.' This is why he avoids the company of cats and kits, and he regrets the day he gets an apprentice."
I don't want to re-write it for you so go ahead and still write it how you want, but try to make it sound less rushed and fix the part about something being stretched. Oh, and the part about uplifting his eyebrows; it's kind of difficult to tell what's uplifting the eyebrows the way you put the word "scars" in twice, which I assume was an accident. xD;

Then this, which I'm sure is just a simple typo:
"When his youngest brother, Lionkit snick out with a few other kits, Bloodkit appointed himself the guardian of Lilykit, especially when he watched the three kits be buried in the earth."

Lastly, this:
"When he awoke, he was sore and stiff, and had hard time eating and blinking, everything was sore."
See how you mention the soreness twice? It's just a bit redundant and causes it to turn into a small run-on, that's all.

So in short, fix the typos, review your run-ons and try to make them less rushed(and keep an eye on them in the future), and double-check for any other possible run-ons/rushed sentences, typos, etc. After that, he'll be accepted! c:

[acez]

no, no. I've got this. ;3 i have a habit of repeating myself, i just keep on writing without really remembering what I wrote before. And when I double check my work, I totally skim over the stuff that's wrong. xD

SNICK. I KEEP TELLING THEM SNUCK IS A WORD. -shakes fist- but other than that, everything was covered!

[Brackentail]

Great, you did cover most of it and it looks much better!
Now there's just that last minor error from the physical description.
"He would be quite the handsome cat, if it weren't the 'incident'."

[acez]

si! tis good, no? =D

[Brackentail]

Yup! It's all good now.

Locked and moved!